Still Breathing

It is so hard to believe how long it has been since I have written on here. I am truly sorry to those that followed when I wrote often...I am back and still breathing. 

I had so much to write but now sit here with no words.

I am coming upon 4 years! (Wow, hard to beieve it's been that long!) since my boys were born in a few weeks and I've hit a new stage of grief.

I am now a mom grieving for her twinless twin.

As Carter and I lay in bed the other night Carter says, "Mama, when will Cayden be back from Heaven? I really want to sing Rock A Bye Baby to him."

Caught off guard and Not really knowing what to say, I said, "Cayden isn't coming back from Heaven, that's his home."

He then says," we have so many pictures of him here and why do we have to give him balloons up there, I want to give them to him here."

I was honestly at loss of words and cried for hours after he fell asleep.

I don't know how to answer his questions...I didn't expect them this soon. I don't know how to explain to my sweet little boy that his brother is dead and he will never see him again...it's breaking my heart.

After almost 4 years, I was at a point in life where I was comfortable with my grief you could say.

I still cried and missed Cayden daily, but I guess you just get to a different stage in it all.

That was until my new grief hit and it has me crying at the drop of a dime. 

I am praying for the strength and wisdom to help Carter through this long road ahead of him.

I know it won't be easy and we will shed many more tears...

They are connected through a bond nothing can break. 

Not even death.

As we approach February 4th and 6th, I am going to rely on the strength of my family to get us through it, like it has brought us this far.

I will keep breathing...

2 years

Wow...2 years. I am not even done with my first sentence and I can barely swallow as I choke back the tears. Happy heavenly birthday my sweet boy. What I would give right now to have you here with your brother and the rest of us celebrating.

I have come to hate the saying that time heals all wounds. In my opinion, it is so untrue. It has been 2 years and my wounds have not even begun to heal. My heart feels like it did the day Cayden left me. I am an emotional wreck. I still have to try to control my emotions at all times because I never know what might make me feel apart and start crying. The thought of Cayden almost always brings tears daily. Sometimes happy tears, but mainly tears of heartache...tears of longing to have my baby here with me again. I hate that nobody gets it. Nobody understands how I feel. I still wonder how I can feel so many emotions around other twins and wonder if it will ever not be that way.

I have been dreading this day for a few months now. I feel horrible for saying that since It's Carter's birthday too, but it's the truth. I feel too sad to celebrate. My poor boy, I hope someday he finds room in his heart to forgive me for saying this. It's hard to smile and be happy when I am really broken inside. Well, I wasn't going to have a party for him again this year, but after the guilt I felt not having one last year, I figured that I should at least have a small one. So, I had a few friends and their kids come over for pizza and cake and kept it really low key. Overall, it went well and I was able to get through with no tears. I saved them for later. At least I did it and don't feel like the worst mom of the year like last year. Today/ tomorrow (since it is 1am) we decided to take Carter to the New England Aquarium for his birthday. I am hoping it will be peaceful and help Anthony and Lexy too.

I also think its important to say how wonderful Carter is doing. After all his hard times and struggles, he has overcome so much. He is an amazing little boy and the light of our life. He's so loving and helpful and sweet, he just melts our hearts. I know with time and each passing birthday he will understand more. I truly believe that I may have drowned in my sorrow if it wasn't for Carter. I had no choice, but to stay strong and keep putting one foot in front of the next. I had another baby to take care even if my heart had just been broken. And that's the hard part. Even when life feels like it can't go on and the pain is so strong...It does. And before you know it 2 years have gone by. I wish I could rewind the clock. I wish I could have just one more minute. But I can't. So, I will continue to go on and do everything I can to keep his memory alive.

Happy 2nd birthday my love. We miss you and love you so much more than any words can ever say.
Love, Mommy, Daddy, Anthony, Lexy, and Carter

Lost

When I just looked at the date of my last post...I couldn't believe it has already been a month again. My posts are definitely less and less lately.

It by no means, means that I miss or love my son any less. To be honest with you...I think I needed to take a break for awhile. I was at a point where I couldn't do much at home. I was always on my blog or someone elses blog or on the anencephlay support group on facebook. I was so sad all the time.
I was so scared of letting go.
It has been 21 months and I have been so scared of forgetting every last inch about my sweet boy.
I have been hurt by so many friends that I have decided not to have any... Why get hurt all the time when you can avoid it??
Most days I can't believe how much time has gone by. The memories seem farther and farther away...I think about dying a lot more than I ever would have before I lost him. I know most people think that's a bad thing, but if you have lost your child, I know you understand.

A few weeks ago, my grandma that I was very close to growing up, became ill. We ended up finding out she has a brain aneurysm. I was so scared when my family called and said she may have a day...a month..the Drs just don't know. I was suddenly on my way to Vermont...praying to God that she would hold on long enough for me to tell her that I love her one last time...to tell her to give Cayden a kiss for me...
As I sat next to her bed crying, nobody else really understood what being this close to death was doing to me. The last time was when Cayden took his last breath in my arms...it was ripping my heart out.

Maybe I am trying to find an escape from the pain. I swear I am still trying to figure all of this out. Almost 2 years into this journey and most days I am not sure of a lot of things. I am so grateful for the time I was given with Cayden. He truly taught me so much and made me look at life completely different...I now know what's important.
I find myself always trying to find a part of Cayden in whatever we do...as the wind and leaves blows...or the waves crash...as the rain falls...I am always trying to find a part of him...maybe another fear of losing him completely.

As Carter is growing more and more...everyday is a reminder of what could have been. It's amazing how much we all love that little boy..his brother and sister are amazing with him and love him so much. He is so lucky. I wish more than anything that Cayden was here to feel their love also. I am not sure if you would consider Carter my rainbow baby because he was Cayden's twin...but I do know that he has definitely been been like our rainbow after our storm...I feel like he has kept our family together and helped us to carry on Cayden's memory...they are connected for life.

We miss you so much Cayden <3

Time...

Too much time has gone by since I wrote on here... I apologize.
My life has been a total hectic mess for the past 2 months. There has been so many nights I have wanted to sit down and write on here, but couldn't find the energy or the words to due so.
To be honest with you...I am a mess. A walking, crying, emotional mess. That pretty much sums me up these days.
I had to have knee surgery this past Thursday..it has been a really tough recovery. I can't even walk at all :( I find myself feeling depressed. I think it is the fact that I have so much time to sit and think.
Our dog Zayah also had surgery about 3 weeks ago and of course why not add some problems with friends into the mix too.
Yup...on top of losing our son and facing everyday things, I have lost some friends too. Some friends that I have realized were never my friends to begin with.
I am note sure if I am at a different stage in my grief again, but I cry at the drop of a dime and find it hard to stop.
Just the thought of Cayden brings tears to my eyes and I lose it.
I had family in town last month, one right after the other and I missed writing on here for Cayden's monthly, heavenly birthday for the first time since he left us...
it killed me when I realized it....I felt so much guilt. I felt like my life had gotten too busy to stop and allow my monthly writing for him. But I eventually got over it and realized that it is ok and even though I didn't write on his blog, doesn't mean that a single day went by that I wasn't thinking of my sweet boy.

Before losing Cayden, I was pretty organized and stayed on top of almost everything. I was able to bring the kids to school, sports, keep the house clean, make dinner, and even other things in between all of that.
But these days...I can't do any of the above. I forget everything. I Lose everything. My house is a wreck. And I am a mess. Sometimes I wonder if losing Cayden, changed me. If somewhere along the way, I lost who I was.

I find it hard to believe that it has been almost 2 years since I lost my baby boy. And in that time, I have continued to be hurt by so many people. Just the other day I was told that I was lucky that I knew ahead of time to make it easier...hmmm, ok.
I have also been told that since I am still posting things on facebook about Cayden, that maybe I need to get some counseling again. Here's another good one....I am lucky that Cayden died after 3 days cause I should imagine being a mother who loses her baby to SIDS at 8 months. Every time I hear things like this, I just don't understand and I don't think I ever will. I am a mom who lost her son. Nothing about that is easy, nothing could have made it easier and in the end I still long for him like every other mom that loses their child. My boy was special and amazing and meant so much to me..I will talk about him forever...until we are together again.

Yesterday, I shed many tears throughout the day thinking of Cayden and all my other blm's and their babies. I lit my candle at 7pm and cried some more. I told you...I am an emotional wreck.
One thing that has kept me going these past 20 months is reading all the other blogs I follow and writing on Cayden's blog... so I would like to apologize for allowing so much time to pass without writing. I think of you all daily and know that you understand how I feel <3

These shoes

I have been avoiding lots of people and things lately to protect my heart. I had a feeling that this was coming, but I really hoped it wouldn't. It just seemed as if everywhere I turned, I was being hurt by others words and my heart couldn't take much more. I am grieving for my baby boy that was taken from us too soon. It has only been 18 months, but for some reason, people think that is a long time and I should be "over it." But I will never be over it. I will go on and learn to live my life with my broken heart, but I will NEVER get over it.

I know a girl that lives a few streets over from me. I have spoken of her in previous blog posts...she is pregnant with twins and everyone, including her likes to talk to me about her and her babies. Well, She delivered her healthy, twin baby boys yesterday. I wish I could be happy for her, but I would be lying if I said that I am. My heart was actually hurting so bad and for the first time in a long time, I asked God.. why was she able to keep her boys, but I wasn't?? Why is she a happy, proud mommy without a worry in the world, while I sit here everyday, wishing I could kiss my baby boy one more time. I ran into a friend of both of ours yesterday and she had to tell me about the girl delivering her boys and how they are all doing...I just nodded and didn't even say a word..I couldn't be fake and put on my happy face..it just wasn't possible. how can people not realize what they are saying? Last night I posted a quote on facebook that I read last week on anencephaly.info and today I received an apology email from the girl. I guess it took me posting something for her to realize what she had said, hurt me. I accepted her apology, but feel like I need a break from everyone around me. I feel like just when I am having a good day, someone pushes me back down. These people don't understand what it feels like to have your child die... A piece of you goes with them. Your life is not the same.

I want to share what I posted on facebook last night...

I am wearing a pair of shoes. they are ugly shoes. uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair. some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. yet I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. they are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad that they are my shoes and not theirs. they never talk about my shoes. to learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. to truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them. but once you put them on.. you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. there are many pairs in this world. some woman are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

This really touched me when I first read it. The words just put it simply for others to understand what we are going through.

I can honestly say that in these shoes, I know true happiness and sorrow... all mixed together now. These shoes have changed me so much. I can be smiling and laughing one second and crying the next. I know a whole new meaning to yearn for someone and miss them so deeply and I know a whole new meaning of "love." While wearing these painful shoes, I can still feel happiness everytime I hold Carter and hug and kiss him..

Although I agree that my shoes hurt and bring me so much pain... I wouldn't want any other shoes because that would mean that I wouldn't be Cayden's mama... I miss my sweet boy and love him so much <3

The first step to understanding

I think I have told everyone about Cayden's memorial table in our living room. It has his urn on it, fresh flowers, my favorite picture of him, a digital picture frame with all of our pictures with him, a picture of all 4 of the kids, my angel candle and my twin willow tree figures.

Well, Carter is at that busy age where he gets into everything and I knew it was going to happen eventually....yesterday, he pushed a step stool up to the table and was pointing at everything yelling "Mom." I rushed over to the table and leaned down to him, I told him that it was Cayden's table and not to touch...just look. He wanted the picture of Cayden really bad so I handed it to him...well, he leaned over and kissed the picture... I couldn't believe it. It was so sweet, but so sad. He handed the picture frame back to me and sat on the step stool and watched the digital picture frame for about 2 minutes. He kept pointing and yelling, "Mom." Now, he is doing it everyday. He is so gentle and actually listens when I tell him not to touch. That is amazing to me since he is only 18 months old. I swear it is like he knows. It was also very sad and hard for me cause it is just a reminder that this is how Carter will know Cayden for the rest of his life, when what I would give anything for, would be to have them growing up together.

I also took a picture of Cayden's chest. I know Holly asked me what it looks like awhile back. In the chest is everything of Cayden's and I can not go in the chest without falling apart. It sits in the living room right next to his table.

I came across a poem the other day and it really rings true to how I feel sometimes, so I wanted to share it.

The Mask

I have a face I put in place, It's what I wear when folks are there.

For those only who want to see, The way they think I ought to be.

I live in times that have no light, just cloudy, darkness, endless nights.

I no longer see the sun, I laugh, but never feel the fun.

When I arise to start a day, I stumble as I make my way.

I don't know who's really me, I'm not the one I used to be.

I have no heart to fill with joy, I lost it when I lost my boy.

The future is so bleak to me, I choose to not let others see.

So when people stop to ask, I hide behind my smiling mask.

written by: Dianna J. Brendle

Although, Ryan and my 3 kids that are here with me still bring me so much joy, I still feel this way a lot. I am still hurting so much inside and miss Cayden so much, but I put on my different face for everyone else so that they don't feel uncomfortable around me. I am glad that Carter is getting old enough for me to start talking to him about Cayden, but I wish my little boys were chasing each other around instead. I wish I didn't know the true depth of pain and heartache... I wish more than anything that I was sitting here tonight typing this with Cayden in my arms..

Mama misses you and loves you Cayden <3

Happy Heavenly 18 months birthday

Yesterday was 18 months since I gave birth to 2 of the most amazing boys and tomorrow will be 18 months since Cayden passed away. I normally try to post a happy monthly birthday to my little angel in heaven, but I laid in bed last night feeling guilty for not doing so. I was exhausted. Carter had his 18 month checkup and shots and it was a long day.

I thought of Cayden so much yesterday throughout the day. As I sat in the room at the Dr office, I wished Cayden could be there too. My heart was heavy. I thought back to the day the boys were born while I was driving and I just cried. It feels good to cry for Cayden. I miss him so much.

I came across a little note that I wanted to share;

When we lose our child that we love so much, it seems that time stands still. What moves through us is a silence, a sadness, A longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch, We may not understand why they left this earth so soon, or why they left before we were ready to say goodbye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that they died, but that they lived. And that their life gave us memories too beautiful to forget. We will see you again someday, in Heaven, where there is no parting. A place where there are no words that mean good-bye.

When I found out that Cayden had anencephaly and he would not live long, I couldn't imagine how my life would go on after losing my child. Now here I am 18 months later. I miss my little boy with everything in me, but through all of my pain and heartache, I truly feel blessed. I was chosen to carry 2 boys and it was the most amazing experience. Now, I carry one of my boys in my arms and his twin brother, I carry in my heart.

Carter is an amazing little soul who I love to watch grow everyday. I see so much of Cayden when I look at him. He has the biggest heart ever and loves his family so much. He would give us kisses all day if he could. It has been such a hard journey trying to divide the happiness and sadness as we have watched him grow. We love him so much, but feel so incomplete without Cayden. I am certain that this will always be how it is...

Happy Heavenly 18 months Birthday Cayden... Mama misses you and loves you so much xoxo

Not all here these days

If I have realized one thing lately, it is that my grief has come back with a vengeance.
I had been feeling good most days for some time now. Of course, I have my moments, but I was actually amazed that what everyone had told me, "it gets easier with time," was true.
I thought I had reached a point where I wasn't crying all the time anymore and my days were so busy that I didn't even have time to think.
But lately my heart is heavy...
I cry at the drop of a dime.
I spent ALOT of time reliving in my mind what happened.
I think of things I could have done differently.
I think about all of the what ifs....
I feel on edge and snappy and frustrated.
I often try to imagine what my life would be like if Cayden was here.
I cry for friendships that I have lost through this, but I am so grateful that I learned who is meant to be in my life right now.
In a few weeks it will be 18 months since my boys were born and Cayden left us to go to a better place...
I can barely swallow right now when I think back on the past 18 months.
I hate that when I see a woman pregnant with twins or that has twins...I feel emotions that I can't control. I should be happy for her, but my emotions are taking over everything.
I cringe when I hear a friend complain about something so little...if they only knew.
From the moment I wake up, while I am in the shower, while I am cooking or driving, I can't help, but think of Cayden and wish he was here with us.
I feel alone in this big, lonely world. Everyone has moved on and honestly most days it seems as if Ryan has too. I try to talk to him ALL the time about it and he just listens and goes about his day....
I always have wanted a big family and lots of kids. I just love babies so much. They melt my heart. I don't mean like the Dugger's or anything. ;) I have always said I want 4 kids and I was blessed with 4 kids, sadly one of them couldn't stay here with me.
Unfortunately, Ryan doesn't want anymore kids after what we have been through. He feels we have been through too much heartache and that he is not strong enough to go through it again. I understand and admire his honesty, so I am ok with this. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am sad about it too.
Watching my baby suffer and have seizures nonstop for an hour before slowly leaving this Earth, was by far the hardest, most heart wrenching thing I have ever gone through. Of course I wouldn't ever want to go through it again, but I would if I was faced with it and it meant, time with my baby.
I feel like I am all over the place with this post..it kind of goes with how I have been everyday.
I am losing stuff nonstop ( I lost my car keys the other day and looked everywhere for days but could not find them. I was using my spare key and ended up losing that too!) Seriously...what is wrong with me?
I can't keep my thoughts together either.
I feel out of sorts.
My house is a mess (which normally I am good at staying on top of)
and in the end....it all comes down to one thing.
I want my Cayden back.
Without him, I am incomplete.

I love you sweet boy.

I feel broken

I am going to try to keep my thoughts together while writing, but they feel like they are all over the place tonight.

I repeatedly ask myself, why people say such hurtful things? I know I am probably sounding like a broken record right now, but seriously...I just don't get it!
Anthony and Lexy are taking golf lessons this summer... so the other day I was watching them play while talking to a few moms that I know, when out of nowhere one of them says to the other one, "hey, isn't your sister's twins?" Then they proceed to stand there and talk about twins... I seriously don't even get it. Just because I had twins and lost one of them, it seems like everyone wants to tell me about them or talk about twins when they are around me. Do people honestly not stop and think that it might be hard or hurtful to me? I feel like I can't go anywhere.

I know that I vented about my girls night out a few weeks ago too and how there was another woman there that was pregnant with twin boys. Well, I had wrote a comment on facebook that evening when I got home about having a great evening with great friends, but why do twins have to be everywhere I go....well the next day a friend of mine that was at the get together called me. She told me that she felt bad for me after what I had wrote on facebook, but that I am going to have to be around twins for the rest of my life. I think I know this, but the fact is that, that doesn't make it easier. You don't just wake up one day and say, "well I better get used to this." If it were only that easy.
I am so tired of being hurt every which way I turn. My own family does it to me too. They feel this need to talk to me about friends who have twins.

Well news flash...

I am incomplete...
I am brokenhearted...
I am tired of being kicked while I am already down.
If it weren't for my kids, I would not leave my house.
It is hard enough to know that the world has gone on and I have not. It has been 17 months and I can not even tell you how I have made it this far. I am still trying to figure out how to live without my baby boy. Why do I have to go places in fear of what someone is going to say to me?
It sucks.
I just want Cayden here in my arms and running around playing with his brothers and sister.

All I can do is think of my precious little boy who fought so hard to stay with us.. It kills me to think of the night he passed away and it breaks my heart that I had a little baby boy who was born without the top of his head. It scares me to know that time is stealing our memories we shared. They are still there, but they feel farther away.

No matter how long I had with Cayden, it was enough to last a lifetime. He was briefly in our arms, but he is forever in our hearts. He is with his Heavenly Father now.

I miss him incredibly so, but I am thankful that I have his brother to watch grow and to love with all I am worth. I used to be afraid of the day I have to tell Carter about Cayden, but not anymore.
Now, I look forward to it. We can cry together and I can share all of our memories with him. Twins share a special bond and I know Cayden lives on in Carter. They were together for 36 weeks sharing their space and bonding...it doesn't just go away because Cayden isn't with us anymore.

As I am learning to live without Cayden, I am also trying to learn how to handle people around me. I guess it is all part of this "new normal."
Tonight is proof that grief sneaks up out of nowhere. I have been crying like crazy tonight and just miss Cayden so much. Right now the pain still feels as raw as the day he died. I don't allow myself to fall apart like this very often and I know why...it feels unbearable.

I miss you and love you so much baby boy.

17 months

It has been 17 months today.
Another month without Cayden in my arms.
But yet another day closer until I will see him again.
My life is full of happiness and I have so much to be thankful for.
But yet, it is never enough.
I will always be incomplete without my baby boy.
Everything I say and do, always brings me right to him.

I want to write on here so much more than I do these days, but I hate that it seems like I am always saying the same thing over. I am a mama who lost her son 17 months ago. I have a broken heart that can never be completely healed. I am happy, but there is always tears behind every smile. I long to hold Cayden in my arms and kiss him one more time.

I hate that every night I go to bed thinking of his face instead of kissing it goodnight.

I am sometimes amazed that I am still hurt by what others say 17 months later..
Carter is pretty crazy these days. He has me going non-stop.
A friend of mine says the other day, "whew, can you imagine if you had two of him...no thank you!"
She was pretty much saying thank God Cayden didn't live because my life would be even harder.
I wanted to tell her...I would give anything to have two of him. I would do anything to not have had my son die...I still haven't figured out why people say such stupid things.

We had a fun night tonight at the beach watching fireworks, but of course as Carter played in the sand and laughed, I was thinking of Cayden..wishing he was right next to his brother playing too. That is nothing new though..I always wish Cayden was here to grow up side by side with Carter.

It is hard to believe that 17 months ago, I had 2 baby boys in my arms.... I miss Cayden so much.
Mama loves you Cayden.

Another hard moment

I had a moment tonight... a moment where I was taken completely off guard... I was not expecting it and I can not even put into words the pain I felt. It almost felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my chest....I couldn't breath...I was at loss of words...and the only thing that could go though my head was....get me out of here!!

I have been faced with twins many times since losing Cayden. I have talked on here about my struggles with the twin thing too, but I don't think that I have ever been put at a table with another woman carrying twins...twin boys. And I really didn't expect it to hurt so bad!

I went over to a friends house tonight for a girls night out of bunco...Now, I am not the type to go out. I love being at home with my family. When I am away from them, I feel guilty and wish I was with them. I think a lot of this has happened after losing Cayden. So, I had a few friends who talked me into going. As I was sitting at one of the tables, one of the girls made a remark about having 2 baby boys inside her...I did not know the girl. But suddenly people around me were talking non-stop about her being pregnant with twin boys. A few of the girls even knew what had happened to me. I have never wanted to leave a room so quickly. I found myself avoiding the conversation and trying to fight back the tears. I wanted to tell her that she was not guaranteed 2 babies in the end, but I didn't.

Now, I am back at home with my broken heart. I am reminded that life is NEVER the same after losing a baby and nobody will ever understand. Girls nights out...are not just a good time anymore. I am reminded how unfair life can be. I just want my baby in my arms. I want to remember what it's like to NOT have one of your babies die...to say, "I had twin boys!" without saying that one of them is in heaven now.

There is nothing easy about this journey. I know as time has gone on, the days get a little easier, but in the end, no matter how much time has passed...you still long for the baby you lost and the reminder is always there. The pain is always right there waiting to resurface. The only people I knew could comfort me, was my husband and kids that were at home or my other baby loss mama's.

I thank God and also all of you who lift me back up when I am down. I know as hard as this journey gets and as sad as I am tonight...tomorrow is a new day and I will get through it. Cayden is always with me..even tonight he was with me. I just carry him in my heart instead of in my arms.

Mama misses you and loves you so much Cayden.

Heaven is for Real

I just finished reading the book: "Heaven is for real." What a great book! I highly recommend it. There were so many parts in the book that made me cry and my heart smile. I hope heaven is exactly how Colton says it is...I look forward to the day I will hold my baby boy in my arms again, but until that day comes, it makes my days easier to think of heaven and how beautiful it is and to know that he is with all our other family and friends who left us too soon.

My faith has certainly been tested during everything we have been through. When I was a little girl I went to church every Sunday with my grandma in Vermont and I remember that I loved going! I went to Sunday school and I learned all about God and Jesus. I have tons of memories and pictures of all the plays I was in with my church. We moved away to Florida when I was in middle school, I started getting in with the wrong crowds and getting into trouble and I ended up going to church by myself to stay out of trouble. I remember going with my youth group in FL to a horse camp in GA, it was so much fun. I went to church during most of my childhood days and somewhere along the way, I stopped going. There was no reason. I still believed. I still prayed. I just didn't go to church anymore.

When I found out Cayden was not going to live long, my faith was tested. I asked, why? I struggled to find a reason why God could let such horrible things happen, but I never stopped believing. I still prayed almost every night. I knew the night Cayden passed away that he was with us...carrying us through it all.

While I was pregnant I was sent a care package from Laura with http://http//stringofpearlsonline.org/. The package contained a book called, The One Year Book of Hope. A few months after I lost Cayden, I began reading it and also reading my bible from when I was younger. I found such strength and healing in reading these. I have wanted to go back to church for a long time now, but I haven't taken that step yet. I feel out of place being in a new area and not knowing anyone or not even knowing which church to go to. I know these things shouldn't matter though.

I still question so much, but try to keep my faith. I know that my baby boy is in the arms of the Lord... safe and pain free. and everyday gone is one day closer to being together again. Colton's stories were such a blessing for me to read. It was exactly what I needed. It will be so amazing to meet again in heaven.

I am reminded everyday of all the blessing in my life. Thank you Lord.

Mama misses you and loves you Cayden.

Right where I am: 1 year 4 months 1 day

I will start by saying thank you to Angie with http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com . She has started a project called: Right Where I am. It is for parents to share where they are at with their grief whether it has been 5 months or 5 years. I think it is such a good idea.

It has been 1 year 4 months and 1 day since Cayden died. My heart is still every bit broken as it was the day he left my arms, but the pain has gotten more bearable. It seems to me like ever since I got Cayden's diagnosis, my life has been on fast forward. I know that it is because my 3 children keep me so busy. Most days it feels like forever since I last saw Cayden, but there are times where it feels like just yesterday.

My days are much easier to get through, but I do still fall apart. My grief is random instead of all the time. It can sneak up on me when I am least expecting it.

I am able to live my life and enjoy every second with Ryan and my 3 other kids. I smile and I laugh. I do normal everyday things. I never thought I would be able to do any of this after I lost him. But I do admit, I feel guilty for being able to do these things.

I do still long to have Cayden in my arms...I cling to every moment and memory... but I don't cry constantly like I used to.

My story is a little different though. After losing one of my babies, I still had a newborn baby to take care of. In some ways, it really helped me and in some ways, it made everything so much harder. Now, as my surviving twin is getting older, I am finding it harder because I envision the two of them together doing everything together. All of Carter's "firsts" were so different because it was a reminder that Cayden wasn't here to do them also. Carter's first birthday was nothing like my two older kids first birthday's because it was such a sad time for me that I found it too hard to celebrate and be happy.

Cayden is so much a part of my everyday. I think of him with everything I do. I do everything to make sure he is not forgotten. His life and death is part of our family. My children talk about him all the time.

I think something that still is so hard for me is hearing the word "twins." I often wonder if it will ever get easier with time? When someone says they have twins or are pregnant with them, it immediately feels like someone is ripping my heart out. I am not sure if I feel this way because they have what we were supposed to...I really don't know. I just know it still hurts really bad. And unfortunately, I hear it ALL the time.

1 year 4 months and 1 day later, I still read dozens of blogs (almost daily) of other moms who have lost their baby too. I feel so fortunate to have found some amazing friends through these blogs. I wish I wrote on Cayden's blog more than I do, but I often feel like I am repeating myself these days. I have said over and over how much I miss Cayden and would write about it everyday, but it is nothing new....I would give anything to have my baby in my arms instead of in my heart.

I have recently planted a few gardens and flower pots all around the outside of my house. I feel like in some ways it has brought me strength to do this. With every flower...I think of Cayden. I actually long for the day that we have our own house with a lot of land and I will be able to plant my dream garden for Cayden. At least I have something to look forward to doing in the near future in remembrance of my sweet boy. (to those of you that are new to my blog...my husband is in the Coast Guard and we move every 4 yrs. In 8 yrs we will settle in somewhere that we will call home for the rest of our lives and at that point in time I will be able to make Cayden's garden :))

So, that is where I am in this journey. I still miss my son so much and that will never change as long as I am here. I see nothing, but a blessing when I think of Cayden. I am honored to be his mama. I hope and pray that one day we will be together again.

16 months

16 months.....
I often find myself wondering how the months go by so fast since losing Cayden....
These days I find it easier to think of Cayden and smile. I still cry quite often, but I try to always think of all the happiness he brought to our lives.
16 months without my amazing little boy is too long, but sadly I know, I have soo much longer to live without him.

I woke up today and as I was lying in bed, the first thought to cross my mind was that it had been 16 months since I gave birth to Carter and Cayden.
I lay there thinking and longing to have Cayden lying with us too.

At 16 months old, Carter is doing so many fun things now. He is not only walking, but running. And with that, comes LOTS of falls :-(
He is so much fun. He says, "uh oh" constantly and he loves to say, "thank you" for everything. He is my little snuggle bug. He is definitely a mama's boy too, but he loves his daddy and his Ant and Lexy too. He is the light of our life and I know that he has helped me with this huge emptiness that losing Cayden left in my heart. I also know that seeing him do everything is just a reminder that he should have his brother by his side doing everything with him. It hurts and I am sure that it always will.

Although the days are easier to get through 16 months later, everything I see and do makes me think of Cayden.
If I see a butterfly...a rainbow...a beautiful sunset...flowers...
everything instantly makes me think of Cayden <3 When I listen to the radio, so many songs make me think of Cayden. No matter where I am at or what I am doing somehow, something reminds me of my baby boy. Even something random that someone says to me...reminds me of Cayden. I love it. I love that he is always there. Before Cayden, I thought, "it could never happen to me." Now, I know tomorrow is never promised. It reminds me of a post that I wrote awhile back about everything Cayden has taught me.

A good friend of mine sent me a link today to the song "Blessing" by Laura Story. It couldn't have been at a better time. I cried and smiled at the same time. I have heard the song before, but it has been awhile. I really didn't expect to have so many emotions today, so hearing this song and knowing that someone was thinking of Cayden, made my day....Thanks Holly B! I have now added the song to the top of my playlist.

Oh, I forgot to mention my "Godwink" that happened to me over memorial day weekend when I was in VT visiting my family.

In case anyone reading this doesn't know what a Godwink is, I am going to give a quick description from my friend Holly's blog page. What is a Godwink? (answered by SQuire Rushnell) A Godwink is what some people would call a coincidence, an answered prayer, or simply an experience where you'd say, "Wow, what are the odds of that!"

Well, I had just walked outside to go see my kiddos riding their dirt bikes...suddenly I realized that there was about 4-6 beautiful yellow butterflies flying right around me. Butterflies have always been a favorite of mine, but since losing Cayden they mean so much more. Well, my dad's house has a lot of land so as I was walking down to the field, 1 of the butterflies stayed right with me. I had my camera and tried to get a picture of it, but was unsuccessful. The butterfly followed me all the way down to where the kids were riding and stuck around for quite a long time....it really made my heart smile. Last June when I was in VT visiting my family another time, I had a similar thing happen to me. It was an all white butterfly and it was so beautiful. I remember at that time I couldn't even believe it had followed me and hung around for quite a long time, so when it happened again last weekend, I knew it was a "Godwink." I wish I had them more often! I just love my Godwinks!

16 months has gone by...I still have my good days and I still have my bad days. I still miss Cayden and would give anything to have him in my arms again. I know somethings will never change no matter how much time goes by.

Mama loves you Cayden.

A Few Simple Words

As I sit here tonight, I am sad.

Cayden is not here with me and
my life is not the same without him...
I miss him more then I could ever possibly put into words on this blog.

I feel sad for all the new moms that I have come to know who are pregnant with a baby who is not going to live long or who have already lost their precious child.

Lately I have been hearing heartbreaking stories all the time on the news about a mom who has killed her child/children.
I always think....Life is too short already.
Who are we to chose when our child should die?
I find it hard to hear these things without falling apart,
it breaks my heart.

I heard from a mom today who is 17 weeks pregnant with a baby with anencephaly. My heart was so sad for her, but I smiled when I read that she chose to carry her baby to term. It seems like I don't hear that very often. I look back now and honestly can't imagine it any other way. Yes, it was hard and some days I felt like I couldn't go on, but I did and the 3 days I had with Cayden mean the world to me. I am honored to have been the mom to such a strong willed, little fighter.

I still struggle now with trying to live a normal life after losing Cayden. People are always saying something that seems to upset me. I feel like I can never put my guard down. I can't tell you how many times I wish that I'd had a copy with me of the: what friends and family can do page I have listed on my blog.
Most of the time I hold it in and then come home upset and vent to Ryan. I think that I have come to realize that people just don't understand unless they have been through it, which I don't wish on anyone. But I also have to protect my heart too, so I have been hanging out and doing lots of bonding with Carter these days ;-)

I remember quite a few years back...
I think I only had Anthony at the time and my cousin had a baby.
I got the call from someone in my family that her baby was stillborn.
I cried for her and remember thinking how terrible it must have been.
Someone had told me that she kept the baby in the room with her for over a day and that she bathed her and dressed her and took pictures of her before the funeral home came and got her.
Many people in my family were disgusted by it and said how morbid it was. I admit, that I agreed with them.
Now that I have been through a similar experience, I can't believe I ever thought that way.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sure my family and friends said things about me and Cayden too. They don't understand and they never will.
What may seem morbid and gross to other people, was the only memories I have with my baby. I carried him inside me for 35 weeks and loved him with everything in me...just as my cousin did.
After all these years have gone by, I feel the need to tell her what an amazing mom she is and how sorry I am about her little girl.

It is so easy to judge being an outsider....
but losing a child is something that doesn't ever go away and the grief can be hard to live with...
so please think a little and try to put yourself in their shoes before you judge or before you try to say something you think may sound right.
A mom who has lost a child has a heavy heart and is longing for her child she lost and sometimes the weight of everyone around her can make life seem unbearable....
Reach out and tell her that you are there and that you love her...
A few simple words can mean a lot.


I miss you and love you Cayden.

15 months

Cayden would have been 15 months today...yet another month has passed me by.
I still miss him him as much as I did the night he left us.
I love thinking back to the time we had together.
I remember being pregnant and being so scared of the unknown.
I was scared of what he was going to look like and how Ryan and I were going to handle everything. I was so scared of everything actually.
But looking back now, I had nothing to be scared of and I wish I could tell all Moms in this situation that it is normal to fear the unknown, but trust in your heart that no matter what, you are going to love your baby with everything in you no matter what he/she looks like.
When the nurse handed Cayden to me, I thought... he is so beautiful, what was I scared of?? And once we put his little hat on, he looked like nothing was wrong, it actually hurt more because every other part of him was absolutely perfect.
I was going to try not to get all emotional tonight, but I can't promise anything these days.

I am really feeling like the second year has been just as hard, if not harder than the first year. I know we are only 3 months into the second year without Cayden, but it feels more real.
The first year was so overwhelming. I was so devastated by losing Cayden and still trying to care for a newborn and 2 other kids plus we had a huge move.
I was seriously floating along day to day.
I feel more stable now, but not having him feels so permanent.
The memories we made with Cayden, seem so far away...some days I feel like I am literally grasping to what little bit I have left of him. I hate that feeling.

Then there are days when I get an email from another mom who found my blog and needs support and it just reminds me that he is not slipping away...he is ALWAYS right there.

A few days ago, I was giving Carter a bath when Lexy came running inside from playing and hands me a pile of mail and says" Mom, there is even a package today!"
Who isn't excited to get a package? ;-)
When I saw the return label said My Forever Child, I was so excited!
My first piece of jewelry in remembrance of Cayden had arrived and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! I got my my bracelet that I won on Holly's blog (Caring for Carleigh). It has Cayden's footprints engraved on it and it says his name and birth date. I have worn it everyday since I got it. I can't thank Holly enough. She truly made my heart smile when it really needed it! I feel like a part of him is with me everyday now.
( I highly recommend going to MyForeverChild.com and seeing all the beautiful stuff they have to remember your child.)

No matter if 1 month, 15 months, or 5 years have gone by, I will always miss Cayden.
I will be watching Carter do something new, wondering if Cayden would be doing the same thing. No matter how much time has gone by, the hole in my heart will never be filled.
15 months later and I am still trying to figure out how to live without him. I can handle alot of things in life, but losing my child and all the dreams we had for him has been a very difficult thing to handle. Our little boy couldn't be more loved, I just pray that he feels and knows the love we had and still have for him.

I miss you so so much Cayden.

Incomplete

I know I have said many times that some days are better or easier than others. These days it seems as if I get through the days ok because I stay so busy, but nighttime has always been and still remains to be the hardest for me. Once all the kids are in bed and the house is quiet, it allows me to fall apart. And 15 months later....I still do fall apart quite often. I have my moments during the day too, it is just not as often as it used to be. Yesterday was one of those moments during the day...

Lexy and I were driving home and we are sitting at a red light. She looks out her window and sees a grave yard.

She says " Mom, doesn't it make you sad when you see a graveyard and think about all the people that have died?"

I say" yes Lex, of course it does."

Then she says" Is Cayden in that graveyard right there?"

I feel myself choking back the tears and trying to think of answers to what questions are about to come.
I tell her, "no honey, Cayden is at home on his table."

She seems confused, I tell her again that he was cremated. Then she says, "what does cremated mean?"

At this point I am crying and trying to hold myself together so I can re-explain to my baby girl what happened to her baby brother.

I had already explained to the kids when I was pregnant what we were doing with Cayden after he passed away and why, but I am assuming that Lexy was too little and just didn't quite understand and now that she is almost 7, she is wanting to know more.

The conversation was a very hard one to get through. I explained to her what cremating meant and why we chose to do it. She asked if I wanted to be cremated too and then asked me what she would do if I died too because then she wouldn't have a Mommy or a baby brother anymore. My heart broke as she was talking. She is so mature for her age and everything that happened has really made her grow up so much more. I thought of the conversation I would like to be having with her instead and wishing Cayden was still alive and with us.
If he was, she wouldn't know the depth of pain like she does now and she wouldn't think to ask the questions she was asking.
If he was.... we wouldn't have to be having this talk.
I was longing for the days when life was so carefree and losing one of your children seemed like something that could never happen to you.

I am reminded that no conversation we have will ever be the same again. We are not like other families anymore driving in the car talking about the birds and the bees.
Losing someone that you love so much leaves such an empty place in your life.
Our lives were forever changed by my special little boy. His brother and sister love him so much it is so amazing to me. The bond that they made with him is so strong and it has truly made them stronger kids. To say that I am proud of them would be an understatement.

I love my kids so much....all 4 of them.
And if I could take their pain away, I would.
I would never turn back time and erase what happened because Cayden was such an amazing child and I love him with all my heart...
I would just make it so that he could have stayed with us....
I would make it so my kids smiles were back on their faces like the day I told them that we were having twins....
their first reaction was.. one for each of us to take care of!
They were so excited and happy and filled with joy.
I would give anything to give them that again.
The feeling of being complete...
We are forever missing a part of us.

I love you Cayden Ryan.

International Babylost Mother's Day

Today was International Babylost Mother's Day.

I wanted to let all the Moms know that I thought of you all today and said a little prayer.
It is such a beautiful day, but such a sad day too.
I wish we didn't have to have a day like this, but we do, so therefore I am am thankful that today was a special Mother's Day for mothers like myself who have lost one of our precious children.
Carley Dudley from Names in the Sand created this special day and I think she is such an amazing woman and mom for all that she does in memory of her son she lost and for all she does for all of us too.

I hope through the tears and sorrow, all of the moms were able to find a little bit of sunshine in their day today, because you all deserved it!

Thank you for being part of my life and sharing part of you with me.

I love you Cayden Ryan.

Blessed

My family and I just got back home late this afternoon from a long, much needed, camping trip. We don't take vacations very often, instead we go camping and it is our special family time together. I longed to have Cayden with us, but know that is not possible.

He is always in my thoughts throughout everyday.

Every family memory we make is one more moment without him in it.

Last Easter, it had only been 2 months since we lost Cayden, it amazes me that it has now been a year and almost 3 months.

Tonight, as we sat down to eat our 2nd Easter dinner without Cayden, my heart was feeling heavy. I try to remind myself that everyday without him is one more day closer to him.

As sad and heartbroken as I am without Cayden here, he was such a blessing and I have so much to be thankful for today.

The chest and all the memories it holds

Tonight has been one of the hardest nights I've had in a long time.
It has been heavy on my heart lately, that a year has gone by and I still haven't taken the time to sit down and write a few thank you notes to a few people who went above and beyond during the hardest time of our lives.
So, I had to go into Cayden's chest (where I have everything)to get a few papers out of it with names and address's....
Well, within minutes, I was on my knees smelling all the clothes he wore, and sobbing into his blanket. I just let it all out...I wasn't sure when it would stop either. I normally don't go into the chest(because of this), but I know I should more often.
It just hurts so bad.... I re-lived every second of Cayden's life over and over tonight as I cried....wishing I could have changed what happened.
Why couldn't I keep him?
I miss him so much.
I know I have said this many times, but it just seems so un-real sometimes.
I looked through about 50 ultrasound pictures too and it breaks my heart to think how much time has gone by since they were taken....since I carried him and then held him in my arms.
Ryan and I were so blessed to have had some really special people come into our lives that helped us so much.
For one, our counselor was amazing. Oh, how I miss her so much too. She saw us throughout my pregnancy, she came to the hospital while I was in labor and right after I had the boys. She talked to me on the phone and helped through Cayden's seizures he was having right before he passed away. She will hold a special place in my heart forever.
The 3 nurses who came to our house the night Cayden passed away. We were told that we were going to have to bring him to the nearest hospital to have a Dr state that he had passed. The closest hospital was about 20 minutes away and after Cayden passed away, we were not in the right state of mind to be driving that far.
3 nurses from Albemarle hospice came out to our house at 7 at night to check on Cayden. At that point he was still holding on. They left and said they would be back in the morning, but no sooner then 5 minutes after they left, Cayden passed away. I called them and they came right back. They were able to state the time he passed so that we would not have to go to the hospital. Then they sat with us for hours. They helped with Carter and comforted us through the pain of saying our goodbyes. We were so blessed.
I don't think anything ever hurt so bad as handing Cayden to the lady from the funeral home for the last time and knowing I would never see him again.
I was blessed with Theresa from the funeral home too. She was so kind and gentle. She helped me through so much. Later on, she told me that, after 78 years, Cayden was the first baby they had picked up from a home in the middle of the night.

I came across a letter tonight in the chest that had meant so much when I recieved it a year ago. It was a reminder to me of one of the many lives Cayden touched in his short time. A dear lady that I met through this journey wrote me this letter after meeting Cayden. The letter is too long to write everything in it, but here is a few little pieces;

I think there are some questions that we won't get answers to on this side of Heaven. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that you feel in losing Cayden, but I do know this, Cayden was a special little man with a mighty soul. There are few people on this earth who will ever get to experience the presence of someone so special.

While I know the questions in your head and your heart may never be answered, I know that Cayden's life had a purpose and that it touched me beyond explanation.

Carter is just beautiful and as you watch him grow, you will be reminded that you have to know profound sadness to know true happiness. Carter is a gift.
It took every last tear I had to read this letter again that has been tucked away all these months.
I wish it didn't hurt so bad to go through everything. Cause as badly as it hurt, it felt so good to hold his things again and be so close to him. Part of me feels guilty that it is all put away. I have so many different feelings and emotions, it just makes it all harder.
I have run out of words to say because my only thought right now is....
Oh, I miss my baby boy so much.

I love you so much Cayden.